High pressure from hose-group sends Tories reelingby BOB LOBBYTHERE WAS TIGHT security around the Prime Minister this evening after a day in which he was shadowed by a giant length of hosepipe.Duck!Unmarked notes in a plain brown envelopeThe view from the potting-shedSkoonNet -- letting you use your hose, everywhereParty bandwagon starts to roll"Although Mr Skoons cannot be with us this morning," Tonks told the serried rank of reporter, "I am sure that, if he were here, he would be telling us of all the wonderful plans he has for making our country a better place to live in." Mr Tonks could not be persuaded to disclose the party's actual policies, saying that they were far too important to be divulged before the election-campaign had actually begun. Upon being told that the campaign had, indeed, started, Mr Tonks was seen to rush to a nearby telephone-booth from which he returned somewhat red-faced a few minutes later. "I can now announce to the British people," he continued, "that the government has, without warning of any kind, chosen to spring a 1st May election upon an unsuspecting electorate, something for which the party presently in power will no doubt be justly and rightly punished. Despite these shock-tactics, the Skoon party is well-prepared for any eventuality." Mr Tonks then announced the party's first policy-making conference which he said would be held at the Merrion Hotel, Leeds, on 4 June. Upon being told that this was after polling-day, Mr Tonks went to make another telephone-call. During the deputy-chairman's absence, Miss Edwina Scum, party general secretary, kept the windswept representative of the press warm and happy by handing out pot-noodles. When Mr Tonks again returned from the telephone he was unable to find either Miss Scum or the journalist, who had left the service-area by National Express bus, stranding two unsuspecting pensioners without their luggage. Commenting later from the third greenhouse along (party HQ), Mr Joshua Waggitt, deputy-deputy chairman, said that the campaign had got off to something of a shaky start but the party had everything to play for. He also issued an appeal for Mr Skoons to contact his office at his earliest convenience. Mr Skoons' daily schedule until polling-day10 am, thé dansant and phone-in, BBC Radio Wallasey 12 noon, lunch, cocoa and questions, relief-dayshift canteen, Fortescue's Truss and Surgical Appliance factory, Bangor 3 pm, glad-handing and spontaneous child-molesting (picture-opportunity), St Frogwena's Primary School, Papa Stour 4 pm, campaign-address in Finnish, European Parliament, Brussels (takes questions in Portuguese) 5 pm onwards, available for live links into early-evening TV and radio bulletins, third wooden commentary-booth from the left, Great Startling race-course, Flintshire 7 pm, cocktails and other hospitality prior to appearance on Sky 3's Miss Lovelylegs Tonight, Isleworth, Middx. 8 pm, fund-raising fish and chip supper, Sad Old Ted's Friterie, Brick Lane, E1 10 pm, hopefully live link into ITN from the Arthur Whippet Memorial Lounge-bar of the Rat and Handbag, Widnes 10.30 pm, being sneered at and patronised by that Paxman creep on BBC2 11 pm, live interview for Afghan overseas service, Willesden Junction station main waiting-room 12 midnight, reads gale-warnings in jocular manner for Jamesons, Radio 2 1 am falls asleep at wheel of 1978 Ford Cortina, M68 northbound betw. jns. 6 & 7, collides with central crash-barrier, rushed to accident and emergency unit, shakes hands with hospital porters, cleaners, newborn babies, photocall (with blood), donates kidneys to research, comatose but revived just in time for dawn press-conference * Mr Skoons is earnestly requested to contact Ms Scum with the utmost urgency on 0332452 1233618123 |