The Rocky Horror alternative marriage service

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of those here present who, however, have signed immunity certificates to prevent them from ever being called to witness to whether this ceremony actually took place, to join together (or not as the case may be) these people, if that is indeed who they are. As the Inland Revenue tells us, marriage is a commitment not to be undertaken lightly or, if so, with a precautionary affidavit and one or two tape-recordings in one's solicitor's safe.

He raiseth his eyes unto the heavens.

Marriage is primarily ordained for the mutual benefit of registrars on double time at weekends, the diocesan clergy and, of course, the divorce-lawyers. However, it must be remembered that those making this serious undertaking should be continually open to the gift of as many toasters as Providence shall send unto them, and to having to pick up at least some of the bill for the reception and, verily, to undergo severe food-poisoning on the honeymoon.

He turneth unto the couple who, together or individually, cross their fingers behind their backs.

And now I ask you, whoever you are, whether you feel inclined at this moment, though not of course making anything like a final commitment, to sort of marry the other person here kind of thing? You need not, of course, reply. And how about you? Any thoughts? Please don't feel under any pressure.

Once more he addresseth those of the congregation who have not already left.

Well, there we have it then, or not as the case may be. And if any among you should know of any just impediment to our nipping down to the pub now for a few jars, would they kindly keep it to themselves. That will be 90 guineas.