Coming soon to a cable-distributor near you: at last, truly wholesome programing which the whole family can watch until the ball-game starts on NBC. It's:

Spunky, irreverent, rude to bishops, Mother Marzipan’s inimitable TV-style has earned her the well-deserved epithet “Oprah in a cowl only fatter”.

But Mother Marzipan hasn’t had it easy all the time. She has not always been chauffeur-driven by one of her butlers between the various sunken bathrooms in her vast Ephemeral Tower in Salt Lake City, UT. “I was born in the waggon of a traveling show,” she explains. “Momma used to dance for the money they’d throw,” but then the young Marzipan (in those days just plain Almonda Paiste) got religion. “I saw all these old bags dressed up in huge black frocks and beads and I thought: ‘Hey. That’d be a kinda neat way to get a seat on the bus. You could also shoplift groceries undetected.’”

Turned down by all the major women's congregations (though accepted by several of the men’s), Marzipan started her own Society of Divine Simplicity and instantly became famous by displaying cigarette-advertising on her wimple. “Dag nabbit, you can’t get anywhere without sponsorship,” she told Fr Ted Craggy in front of a packed audience on live cable-TV.