At last, the totally truthful CV

For some unfathomable reason, job-agencies like bulky CVs crammed with "facts" about the subject's career. It is as if they cannot infer from a job-title such as manager that the applicant just might have had such tasks to perform as departmental planning, motivating people and looking after a budget. Would they, one wonders, urge Mr Tony Blair (with ill-concealed irritation) actually to be more explicit about the duties he had performed in his most recent job?

Over the years Good English has vainly resisted this trend to prolixity and, in a final attempt to change the agencies' minds, we show below just what it would be like if CV-writers really did tell the whole truth.

1976-82Basildon County Boys' (now Rev. Ndabaningi Sithole High) School, scraped through GCSEs after multiple undocumented resits and hopelessly unreliable question-leaks; hitherto anonymous editor of scurrilous spoof school-magazine; phantom nocturnal writer of gravely libellous and physiologically impracticable graffiti (thanks to copy of caretaker's master-key taken while latter was asleep in boiler-room during televised horse-racing); possessor to this day of headmaster's missing sherry-decanter and other selected trophies; co-founder and Superdrug Professor of Human Reproductive Biology at clandestine bicycle-shed-based Wellpupil Health Education Unit
1983Ostensibly year off to prepare for tertiary studies; actually excuse to sleep in a lot in the mornings, watch Play School and explore assorted offerings of best mate's dad's injudiciously unlocked cocktail-cabinet
1984-7Southend Higher Polycollege (now renamed The Joe Coral University at Shoeburyness), developed more broadly-based substance-investigations, faked glandular fever and falsified death-certificate of grandmother (obiit 1963) just in time for finals, given compassionate pass-degree by senior tutor (quite coincidentally in same beaver-lodge and golf-club as father)
1988Ostensibly year off informally to extend course of studies and consider issues such as personal life-calling and true identity; actually drawing benefit and washing neighbours' cars for cash
1989At main traffic-lights in Basildon town-centre inadvertently sponged windscreen of sharp-eyed DSS fraud-inspector who luckily happened also to be hon. sec. of above-mentioned golf-club; verbally cautioned; hastily got retrospective VAT-registration for valeting-work; paid backdated VAT-bill; father reluctantly covered resulting debt through lodge-related association with bank-manager ("This is positively the last time I'm getting you out of yet another of your confounded scrapes. Is that clear, my boy? And stop fiddling about with the TV remote control when I'm talking to you.")
1990Part-time barman, Central Essex Golf Club, reason for leaving: 3am raid initiated by over-zealous incoming chief constable; fortunately able to proffer evening's takings as bail for father, senior tutor, bank-manager etc.
1991Trainee technical writer, Fenchurchian Software, London; found out how to get the drinks-machine to dispense extra-strong Bovril with double milk and two sugars; photocopied miscellaneous body-parts (attached) and 35 sets of complete orchestral score of Salad Days for Brentwood Dramatic and Light Operatic Society; hacked into PABX thus enabling grateful colleagues to keep in regular touch with family-news from Lagos, Islamabad and Christchurch (and I don't mean the one in Dorset either); reason for (sudden) departure: tragically unfounded rumour of imminent visit from auditors
1992Considering life-calling, true identity, etc. (see 1988 above)
1993-4Trainee technical writer, Houndsditch Information Systems: detailed and extensive documentation of a wide range of computer-based products, active participation in complete process of project-planning and implementation, close co-operation with fellow team-members, senior blue chip clients and end-users, successful on-site installation and commissioning (Does this sound alright, Nigel, or should I try really laying it on thick?)
1995Chairman, Managing Director and Chief Operating Officer, Regenschirm Documentation Associates (International) Limited (reg'd. Douglas, IoM, 1995, voluntarily liquidated 1996)
1996Round the world tour of spiritual self-discovery (actually protracted InterRail excursion, expensively and almost fatally abbreviated by injudicious consumption of leftover doner kebab on Peloponnese overnight car-ferry)
1997Actively seeking work using all means available, including personal contacts, local libraries, postcards in newsagents' windows (cf. deeply perjurious Work Finder's Solemnly Sworn Undertaking (re-order form number JSA2/2/97 from Central Stationery, Gateshead))