Behold: new commandments I give unto you

The facts of life revisited

And assorted transport-related rants

If I haven't allowed enough time to catch a train (which is probably running late anyway), my 500 fellow-passengers won't mind if I further prevent that train from leaving by holding the doors open.
The new British Rail and London Underground penalty-fare laws only apply to working-class youths. The rest of us can pay at the other end, saying that the train was in the station when we got there.
If I'm expecting a fax, I leave the phone connected to the machine. Blow you if you ring me up to talk to me and get a high-pitched whine in return for your money. If I put a fax-number on my stationery, you can't just tell your fax-machine to connect to mine. You must ring me first. Blow you, too, if I write to you on stationery with an out of date address and/or fax/phone number on it. I can't afford to have it reprinted so you'll have to lump it.
I think the lengthy message on my answering-machine is rather witty.
When you send a fax, always mail the original to the recipient afterwards. That way you get two settees.
Reversing from a driveway on to a road or from a minor road on to a major road, and thus risking causing a vehicle-accident or knocking down a pedestrian, isn't unreasonable or illegal. After all, the alternative is my having to reverse into a tight space and possibly damaging my paintwork, and you wouldn't want that, would you?
Traffic-law applies to everyone at all times, unless you are in a hurry or a tradesman.
Groups of people may not necessarily walk in single file in order to allow a person going the other way to pass. He or she may have to use the carriageway.
It is wicked and uncharitable ever to suggest that elderly, retired people with all the time in the world should make way for young, healthy people who may be in a hurry to get to work or attend a business-meeting.
It is evil and chauvinistic to point out that much male unemployment could be resolved at a stroke if married working women resigned their jobs and looked after their children instead.
The average working man in the 1930s earned much more in real terms than his modern counterpart, which is why so many modern women have to work just to support their (smaller) families.
Any evidence which suggests that boys differ from girls or that men differ from women must be suppressed in the interests of inclusiveness.
The sexual revolution has brought real benefits to mankind. Contraception has liberated women and reduced the number of unwanted pregnancies. We are all much happier than our parents' generation.
People in goods vehicles, wearing dirty clothes may park their vehicles anywhere and have priority over traffic and pedestrians when loading or unloading.
Bus- and cycle-lanes may be used by buses and cycles when not in use for private or commercial motoring, parking, loading or unloading.
If there is no seating in a train's standard class accommodation, standard class passengers may use first class accommodation at no extra cost.
It's up to the authorities to catch me doing wrong. Otherwise, I'm not doing wrong.
It is not an offence to reverse down a one-way street as long as your vehicle is pointing in the direction of the rest of the traffic.
Walking pedestrians must make their way around static, talking pedestrians, using the carriageway if necessary. You have a right to stand anywhere on the pavement you want to; the police may not move you on.
Minicabs may toot their horns to tell clients they are outside. A vehicle's horn may not be sounded between 11pm and 7am, except, of course, in emergencies or for other reasons which shall be decided by the driver as he/she sees fit.
If a girl wears a see-through blouse, leather mini-skirt and thigh-boots to an acid-house party, responds provocatively to the advances of a drug-crazed man and ends up sleeping with him, she is an innocent who has been cold-bloodedly raped and the man should be severely punished.
The pavement is a piece of the road which motor vehicles temporarily lend to pedestrians. In the case of any conflict of interest, the driver's parking and other needs takes priority.
The foliage which I allow to grow over the pavement and thus make passing pedestrians stoop, or go into the road, to get past, is attractive and, anyway, does not obstruct me when I go out to my car.
Since the highway and pavement are public places, it is reasonable to store piles of sand and bricks on them, even if people and vehicles have to make their way around them, and even if such materials block drains when it rains. Skips may be left anywhere and anyone has the right to deposit anything therein.
Local authorities which exhort residents not to leave rubbish-bags on the pavement, in case elderly and/or blind people trip over them, are joking.
If a stamp on a letter isn't cancelled, it can legitimately be re-used. Similarly, railway-tickets (marked "not transferable") are transferable. Basically, any petty regulation which doesn't suit me I ignore.
It's alright to take your dog into a dog-free zone in the park as long as he doesn't crap and, even if he does, I treat my dog as if he were one of my family so don't you dare criticise anything he does or I'll kick your head in.
Even though the arrows on the Underground say go this way, I go that way because it saves time. Blow the people who do follow the arrows and whom I stop from catching their trains.
If someone insults you verbally it is legitimate to respond with physical violence.
The prime role of companies and corporations is to provide work, not goods or services. Any cost-savings resulting from, for example, the introduction of technology, must be passed on to staff, not shareholders or customers, even if, as a result of such an introduction, there is less or no work left for the staff to do.
The government will rescue uncompetitive vehicle-manufacturing industries and insurance-syndicates, but not, for example, computer software houses which misjudge the market or washing-powder manufacturers which accidentally launch products which rot clothes.
There are some jobs and professions (particularly those that are publicly-funded and have strong trade-unions or professional organisations) where it is quite impossible and/or iniquitous to decide whether someone is doing a good job and, therefore, performance-related remuneration is a gross insult to the dedicated people working those jobs and professions. All such people should receive promotion and other rewards regardless of how well or badly they do.
It is wicked and callous ever to criticise doctors, nurses, teachers, firemen or ambulancemen. These people always do a good job for far too little money, regardless of any evidence to the contrary.
Redundancies among people in private industry are regrettable but sometimes necessary, but redundancies for people in nationalised institutions destroy the very fabric of British life.
The more you spend (in the public sector), the more you get.
The real problem with Britain is that the government won't take a great deal of money from rich people and industry, and give it to poor people. If it did, we would all get much more prosperous. Forget about the difference between, say, Hong Kong and the rest of China; we're talking politics here.
Single yellow lines mean that you can park there as long as you either stay with the vehicle or leave the hazard warning-lights on. Cars parked in this way do not constitute an obstruction. Indeed, vehicles displaying hazard-warning lights are outside the law. Double yellow lines do not apply at night or at weekends, or if you are in a hurry or if it's an emergency like having a carpet delivered or just popping into the post office to get some stamps before it closes. Single yellow lines are decorative.
It is always wrong, unfair, vindictive, brutal and fascistic if a vehicle is clamped, even if the vehicle is illegally parked and/or causing an obstruction. Police and wardens should always use their discretion and never do anything about such vehicles. The drivers invariably have a very good reason for having left their vehicles in such a position.
Laws against drinking and driving are brutal and fascistic. Everyone knows that alcohol doesn't impair people's ability to drive.
Moves to ban smoking in places where other people might have to breathe one's smoke are brutal and fascistic. Everyone knows that tobacco-smoke isn't harmful, even to unborn children.
Aborting a foetus makes everything alright again.
Bicycles may be ridden on the pavement at any time (including at night without lights) because the roads can be dangerous. Pedestrians should get out of the way. If you have lights, by all means use them to cycle on the road at night but, if they fail, simply use the pavement.
Cyclists who cannot give hand-signals without wobbling do not need to do so. Similarly, cyclists, unlike other road-users, need have no concern about other vehicles behind them. They do not need to be able to look over their shoulders without falling off.
Middle-aged women cyclists may ride on the wrong side of the road when going vegetable-shopping.
Lights are not necessary on bicycles, particularly in built-up areas. After all, with street-lighting, cyclists can see where they're going, so what are you quibbling about?
Traffic-lights do not apply to cyclists and mounted cyclists may use zebra- and pelican-crossings.
It is considerate of motorists to park at least partly on the pavement because this frees up road-space (even though it restricts pavement-space and cracks the paving-stones). Vehicles parked partially or completely on the pavement are not subject to parking-laws.
While there is a lower age limit for driving a car, old and/or infirm people can continue driving. This remains the case, even though an under-age person is likely to have better sight and reflexes than an old or sick person.
Although hitting someone with a vehicle can do much more damage than hitting them with your fist, it is right to go easy on negligent motorists.
The government would not privatise roads because they, unlike railways, are part of the national transport infrastructure.
If the British government were just a bit more co-operative with other European Union governments and the European Commission, the latter would, out of gratitude, reward Britain richly.
Word processing has no significant advantage over old-fashioned pen and paper. Similarly, you can find something in a card-index just as quickly as in a computer-database. And give me mental arithmetic every time.
It is crucial that people in English-speaking countries such as Britain learn another language, in order to help the country do business overseas.
Exam-results tell you nothing.
There is a shortage of hostel-places for London's homeless.
Although driver-fatigue causes more road-accidents than drinking, propaganda shall be focused on drinkers rather than sleepy people because it is easier to despise a drunk.
Bonfires in areas where they do not contravene clean air legislation do not make laundry smell of smoke.
My musical taste is everyone else's, therefore, on hot days when I put my loudspeakers on the window-ledge and most other people will have their windows open too, I am doing a public service. Anyone who complains will get, at best, verbal abuse, at worse, physical.
Buskers are fun, non-intrusive and tax-exempt. There are no laws about trading in the street or about how bona fide charity-collectors should behave.
There are no laws about parking close to corners or other junctions, or close to pedestrian crossings.
Motorists need only use their indicators (if at all) to advise other drivers of their intentions. Pedestrians do not need to know.
Pedestrians may cross a road at a left-hand junction without looking behind them to see if a car is about to turn left.
A flashing amber light on a pelican-crossing means that vehicles may proceed.
I have right to park outside my house and will defend it with anger and abuse. I also have the right to strip down and mend my car outside my house. If the tax runs out or the number-plates come off, I can leave the car on the road outside my house as long as I don't drive it, except, of course, in special circumstances.
All types of delivery-van and other trade vehicles may park anywhere and at any time. They may be left unattended with the engine running. Spurious notices about emergency plumbing calls to number 58 will deter traffic-wardens from taking any action. Radios (musical and/or two-way) may be left on loudly.
Motorists who drop off other people on zebra-crossings outside railway-stations in the pouring rain do not commit an offence, endanger pedestrians or cause an obstruction. Only people who leave their vehicles on zebra-crossings for, say, more than an hour commit an offence, and even then .... Indeed, such crossings, designed as they are for pedestrians to cross the road, are the ideal car-person interface.
If you let your dog defecate on the pavement when no-one else is around, the resulting excreta will be odour-free and not cause blindness in children.
Zig-zags on roads near zebra- and pelican-crossing, and schools, are decorative.
Sleeping policemen (as part of traffic-curbing) make me drive within the speed-limit and are therefore brutal, fascistic, etc.
Driving no faster than the limit these days is downright dangerous.
Modern cars have such good brakes that speed limits can be ignored.
If I haven't planned my route, I can drive at about 10 miles per hour while consulting my street-atlas and looking from left to right. In such cases, signals are not necessary, even at the last minute.
If I am caught, fair and square, breaking a law by a police-officer, I shall do my best to plead all kinds of extenuating circumstances. Failing that, I will suggest that the officer is being unreasonable, pedantic, brutal, fascistic, etc etc.
If you have just one item in your supermarket-basket, the person in front of you has a moral obligation to let you go first.
You may take as many items as you like through the express-checkout.
Bus queues are for wimps. There's always plenty of room anyway. Those in the shop-doorway have priority.
If I leave my place in a queue, I can take it back at any time. I can save seats in pubs for absent but imminent friends for perhaps as long as an hour. Anyone asking to be seated at least until the friends arrive is being unreasonable, brutal, etc.
Bar staff serve customers from left to right or vice versa. It is not part of the bar-staff's job to notice the order in which people come to order drinks.
Late incoming trains must, despite their being needed to run late outgoing services, have a good few minutes' rest before even admitting passengers, let alone departing.
Two railmen meeting on a platform must always pause for a chat, even if the train(s) which they are due to drive are late. Above all, despite all delays, railmen never hurry. Station staff doing nothing can stand in areas through which passengers needs to pass.
Red flashing lights on motorway-gantries mean "please don't make any mobile telephone calls for the next couple of miles".
Since some police are corrupt, I won't obey the law.
If public transport authorities fail to detect and neutralise explosive devices on their premises and, thus, allow their passengers to be exposed to danger while also cancelling their trains, such authorities will not be liable for refunding passengers' fares.
Terrorists only plant bombs in green Aer Lingus hold-alls with shamrocks on the side. If I leave my empty McDonald's paper bag on this bench, everyone will know it's litter and not a bomb.
The fire-regulations at work are a pedantic farce cooked up by bureaucratic nit-pickers with nothing better to do. If there really is a fire, I know how to get out of the building damned fast and sod the rest of them, and I'm taking my coat and briefcase too. And so what if people trip over the pile of papers on the floor by my desk in the smoke? I'll be well out of here by then.
Cash transactions are, by definition, not subject to income-tax, national insurance or VAT.
If I disagree with a law, it is my democratic right to break it and, thus, register my protest.
I can protest in the precincts of the Palace of Westminster if I think my cause is just enough.
If the authorities were a bit more flexible about trivial things like the payment of taxes, parking, TV licences, noise-abatement, speeding, drink-driving, social security fraud and stealing from one's employer, but really clobbered the rapists and the child-abusers, then we'd have a much better society.
The permissive society is the civilised society. The end justifies the means.